Ibiang Ayei
@ayeiibiang080407
2 years ago

IF I HAD TOLD YOU

Between mother's knees I nestled as her hands
weaved cornrows upon my aching scalp
My legs curved inwards;
buttocks, resting heavy on those sturdy calves
A child dismissed for being too young
to understand dishonour,
her dress sodden with the musk of abuses
Thighs greasy from the pleasure of
a man's release,
labia embroidered with bruises

So I sat clutching what was left of my dignity,
shame still gnawing at my conscience
Pelvis sore from the twist and brute force,
my chaste mind stripped of her innocence
Depression, a rising incense from the censer
of these scars;
resentment, the fuel of my misandry
And as for who to hate - mother or uncle,
I was left in the thick of this quandary



I watched her bolted eyes stare blankly at the void;
the silence eerie and cold
A heart frozen in blood and “guts";
the numbness of her emotions too grim to behold
Bereft of all guilt and remorse,
I stared at the demon in her eyes
Hell raging from within me, yet its smoke
I sucked away from the skies

Hardest to believe, was the length she could go
to put food on the table;
our mouths feeding from the benefactor's hand
So even at my expense she didn't mind,
or maybe she did
...I just couldn't seem to understand
Of sheer depravity or a fix,
deciphering the tune from which we danced to
was hard
Whether percussion or woodwind,
my perception of what instrument was marred



Eight wasn't too young an age for me not to
understand the sour taste of disgust:
The hatred for men and the abhorrence of family,
the disregard for hope and its rigours;
My downplay of faith and inversion of crucifixes,
ordeals that made me irreligious;
A denouncement of the God my mother preached,
yet never for once took serious

Now 20 years down the line and here I am airing
my story in full glare
A child sacrificed for the reputation of an adult,
roped with threats so she wouldn't dare...
Victimized in the silence,
defiled by the cruel hands of “family" clenching
tufts of her virgin hair
So if I had told you all of my secrets,
would you have believed me or just lambasted me
for being queer?



***







Written by: Ibiang, Ayei Okoi
Tuesday, 25th July, 2023.
5:10AM
#Aï



























#Nirclestories
#Poetry