Nircle · 🔁 Muthoni Ivy ReCircled: A TRIP INSIDE MY BRAIN

🔁 Muthoni Ivy ReCircled: A TRIP INSIDE MY BRAIN

Muthoni Ivy
@ivymuthoni709024
6 days ago

What ever is wrong with me? Is it my mind? Is it my room? Is it my sins? Am I known to take it too far? Why am I made of extremity? Why does my blood flow the way it does? Why my mind the way it does? And my heart? completely extreme.

I said I loved the darkness but I’m afraid if I take my hand to the side of the bed a long ghostly hand will pull me. I laugh scared.

"What are you?"
"5?"

I’m old enough to know it’s not real and yet I can’t put my legs down in the darkness, they might bite into my ankle. Again, I laugh scared.

"What are you?"
"5?"

I know how ridiculous I sound as I breathe hard gasping for more air because my chest now is too tight. I can’t stop looking at the corners of my room. They’re darker today than usual. I wonder why that is. I laugh scared.

"What are you?"
"5?"

No. 21. And haunted. Perhaps sick. Perhaps it’s because I don’t remember what being 5 felt like. But I remember the ghosts. I remember always feeling scared. I don’t ever feel safe. Why do I never feel safe? I laugh scared.

My ceiling doesn’t give me the comfort it should because in my head I lay in white sheets, feeling safe as I can be, staring at the ceiling that holds a warm like home feeling, I smile and then frown, it’s just in my head. I lay in black sheets, staring suspiciously at my ceiling. Why does it look like that? I laugh scared.

"What are you?"
"5?"

I’m shaking from pain. The burden of being a woman lies in extreme measures here, I wonder what I did to deserve that? With me you can’t really know, it might be my own undoing. Except, have I not paid enough dues? Always extremely. I turn to scream in my pillow, and the pain gets sharper as if mocking me. I never said I wasn’t grateful for the gifts womanhood holds.

"What are you?"
"5?"
I laugh, scared.

If I switch on the lights, my eyes will hurt and I don’t really love light at all. If I light the candles.. you know; witches and candles. I love candles though. Memories come flowing, not so good ones. I definitely hate candles. I laugh scared.

I find the world a strange place. I find people strange. I also find the world fascinating. I find people fascinating. When will I really ever grow up? But I’m not 25 yet, my frontal lobe isn’t quiet fully developed. I can be justifiably stupid. Wait, can I? No one cares.

Why does my body twitch in the silence? I wonder as I try to gasp for more air, but my muscles won’t relax.. I’m in my own bed. What better comfort do I need? I really do need to relax. Maybe the mattress is now old, thus the discomfort. Maybe it is this bed I got at a throw–away price. It’s definitely something about the house. I laugh, scared.

"What are you?"
"5?"

My mirror is giving gold colour, but wait, I really do have eye problems. I should have listened to the opticians and got glasses. Why did I think I would just be okay? Dreams of becoming a magician. How silly of me! First thing tomorrow I’ll call my mum about it. Oh, now it’s black! Amazing. Goosebumps. I think to myself how cool it is if mirrors are actually portals to other dimensions.I remember a comment I read on TikTok about the Appalachia stairs in the wild, “I could use a free trip to a different world”. I laugh, scared.

In the quiet of the night, I watch from my balcony. Lights. Houses. Trees. Figures. More lights. More trees. More figures. I adore this view. During the day I sit in the corner and watch people being so normal it frightens me. I do have clown blood or something blood. Tell me everyone is faking it, make me relax and embrace my human experience. Oh to be alive!!
I really do miss my family. I can’t wait for the holiday to see them. New clothes, shopping sprees, all the laughter, arguments, fights, picnics! I chuckle in the darkness. Wait, I wasn’t too loud, right? I clench my heavy chest. And laugh scared.

I can’t think now. I shouldn’t. Tonight it’s darker than usual! Did I say how I prefer my nights? The darker the better? It’s quieter, the painkillers have kicked in, now I feel half amazing and the mosquito buzzing in my ears is starting to annoy me. I’m laying on my stomach. Now I’m sitted. Odd. Why am I sitted? This bed is really uncomfortable. Also I think this mattress was a knock–off. People don’t fear God. I make a mental note to discuss with my mum how she was sold a fake mattress. I’m excited to see how this one goes. I laugh but not too loud now. She’s gonna be mad but tell me not to worry because I’ll be out of this place in 2, maybe 3 months. She will have a point. I can relax.

Why is it not so quiet tonight? Is everything and everyone in the trenches like I am? Not mentally of course, I have been especially happier lately. Maybe there is something in the air. The dogs are barking so loudly. Why is my neighbour so loud? What’s all that noise? That doesn’t help my already too loud mind. I chuckle nervously. Gasp for more air. And laugh scared. More quieter, much more quieter by the minute. Or louder. I can’t really tell. I wonder if anyone else could be torn between deciding whether their minds were too quiet it got deafening or just too quiet because it’s too loud?

Oh my God! This neck is gonna kill me. I twist and turn my neck. I don’t think it can handle the size of my head. I laugh. Not too scared now. I think it takes a minute to adjust to the mood and embrace my madness. I call myself a weirdo and someone pops in my mind. I laugh. Oh to be young and hopeless!

Did I say how much I love my room? I think I did. Or did I not? I don’t know. I think I did. It’s emotionless to the human eye but the artist thinks it’s a fucking piece of art. I laugh. I am the artist. Well, and a friend technically but you get me. I make a mental note to add more grafitti to the walls. A little more decor for the human eye too. I am a considerate person. I laugh.

It’s not Saturday anymore. I should try going to church tomorrow. Which one though? I make a mental note to text a friend about that. Too many fucking things to note for a person with as poor memory as mine. I should go back to finish up Kew Gardens and atleast do the one thing I promised to do before the day is over. Well, it’s over but technically it’s still not. I should watch a little first. I think I’ll watch for now because I’m feeling tired and Virginia Woolf can wait till tomorrow morning. Ugh! this fucking mosquito. I make a mental note to pray before going to sleep. I laugh because what does crazy smell like? I laugh harder. Oh to be young and looking for a purpose in life.

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