The friend in my Head.
Matthew Ndukeobong@matthewndukeobong802170
17 days ago
You know you're good for nothing, right? So stop the pretense that you have people who care about you. Nobody loves you, 'cause girl, you suck! Ikpa said.
I’ve gotten to hear those lines a million times, but each time he said them, they sounded fresh to my ears and hurtful to my heart.
“I know,” I responded coldly, but then my mum still loves and cares for me, I added.
An intensely high-pitched laughter filled with mockery accompanied my last sentence; it was Ikpa's. Your mum, ya bluffing right?
By now the tone of the voice had become a blend of seriousness and anger. Remind me again: who took abortion pills when you were 2 weeks in the womb? And who left you when you were barely three years old? C'mon now, talk. Brief me who had you locked up in this cell of a building called a house.
At this point, I bent my head in shame knowing Ikpa was right. Mum had done these things, and many times, I wondered why she had done them. Perhaps Ikpa was right, I suck and nobody in this damn world loves me.
Hey, Kassy, Mum's voice seemed to have pulled me out of my world of delusion. How are you doing, she asked.
I'm fine. I responded. Whilst searching the room for Ikpa, he's gone. I wished he would come back. For some unexplainable reason, I enjoyed his company, even though he never said anything good about me. Yeah, you think I'm crazy right? Of course, I am.
Mum took a scanning look at me, touched my neck, looked deep into my eyes, smiled even though that was the last thing she wanted to do, and asked, you still took those pills again? I looked away while trying to move away from her, but I felt her hand touch and lock mine in hers. So I stayed.
“I love you, Kassy,” Mum said, please don't do this to yourself. She heaved a sigh of anguish. Can you just stop with these drugs? I tried to nod in the affirmative, but it felt like on my head were twelve bags of cement, so I just stared at her.
She rubbed my hands and drew me into a warm embrace. At this instant, all I wanted was to throw away the pills. I wanted Mum to smile again while not pretending about it.
“To hell with 'em pills, I'm done.”
Mum released me gently from the hug while looking at me.
I guess she must be happy with my decision to have a no-pills lifestyle. But, she didn't hear me, coz I said that in my head.
The longest five minutes of my life were over as Mum made her way toward the door. I watched her close the door behind her.
I stood up and raced towards the drawer where I hid the pills. I grabbed the container and made my way to the restroom I emptied the container into my palm while staring at them for the last time.
One, two, three, four, five, six, and seven. I counted them, opened the toilet lid, and was about to drop them inside but abruptly made a pause. Pick a pill and straight into my mouth, chew and swallow.
What am I doing? Fuck, this is not right. I know, but just this last time. I consoled myself.
Another pill. Another pill. And another pill.
“Hey girl, you suck!!!”
I smiled, it was Ikpa. Where the fuck have you been all these while. I missed you, dude, I said, smiling.
I know I was high, on drugs.
