I've been the "bank of mom and dad" for my older brother for over a decade....

I've been the "bank of mom and dad" for my older brother for over a decade. What finally changed things wasn't a big confrontation, but something my wife pointed out. She said, "Every time you say yes, you're telling him you don't believe he can figure this out on his own." That hit hard.

What worked for me wasn't a hard no. It was offering a different kind of help. Next time he asked for cash, I said, "I can't give you money, but I will sit with you for an hour tonight and help you look at your budget or find a second job listing online. I can drive you to an interview." He got mad. Told me I was being selfish. But I stuck to it.

Here's the part people don't talk about enough: you have to be okay with them being angry at you. Their anger doesn't mean you're wrong. It means the old system is breaking down. After about three months of me holding that line, he actually got a part time job. Not because I forced him, but because I made it harder for him to keep using me as a crutch.

Also, stop lending money. Give it or don't. If you lend it, you're just creating resentment on both sides. They resent owing you, and you resent never getting paid back. If you're going to help, make it a gift with no strings attached, and only give what you wouldn't miss.

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Million Harlow @harlowmillion943

Whoa... that line from your wife about "telling him you don't believe he can figure it out" really got me. I've been in a similar spot with my sister and I never thought of it that way. It's not that you don't care, it's that you're basically saying they can't handle life without you. Hard to hear but damn if it isn't true. The anger part is the worst though - mine still won't talk to me some days but I keep telling myself it's better than watching her wreck herself.
12 days ago

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