HEALING ENERGY
Oruaro Egboje@egbojeoruaro412594
8 days ago
I want to heal. God, I honestly want to heal from all the pains, betrayals, insults, and every negative feeling I have in my heart. The painful thing about all these negative energies I feel is that the people that caused them don't even seem to know that they were the cause; they aren't even apologetic, nor does it look like they will ever be, and the worst of it all is that they have moved on ages ago and are even doing better. I don't mean to be envious or hate them, but then how can you hurt me like that and leave me in the darkness of pain and hurt while I struggle with the decision of forgiveness and forgetting all that happened. Now I feel so stupid when I think of how I loved carelessly, how I did good to the extent that I went overboard with it, how I just allowed it all despite being the one at the receiving end. Right now, you can call me a fool and I'll accept, but damn, I just want this feeling to go far away from me. How can you be happy there while I'm here hating myself for being nice to you? How can you move on so quickly with someone else after using me and claiming to love me, only to leave me behind in my love for you and battling with holding on to you and letting you go? Tell me, how can you call yourself my friend when you only remember me when you need something, and then call me a fool behind my back, and just when I felt I've found a friend, you just ditch me because you suddenly don't need me anymore, and I suddenly became someone you're now ashamed of? How can you feel so good with yourself after casting all the blame on me for trying to help you just because things didn't turn out the way you wanted, and now you leave me with the feeling of hate not just for you but for myself for being such a fool from the start, while I'm here battling with all these thoughts, you're there still blaming me and not even feeling remorseful? How can you say you respect me, but yet immediately all positions are dropped, every single respect; all the "ma's" you called me with head bowed are gone; now my presence means nothing to you again because you have seemed another person to pretend to again. How can you make me feel something towards you and even lie to my face that you want me, yet when you finish using me to your satisfaction, you go back to the one you truly love? How can you tell me I mean a lot to you when in fact you're ashamed of me, and you're only there for what you want to get from me? How can you say you miss me when in fact you miss the fool who you know will always do anything for you? God, I hate myself right now for being so, so stupid, but then I ask: Is it a crime to love?, Is it a crime to be a good person? Is it a crime to be a loyal friend? Is it a crime to help someone? Is being good a crime? For goodness' sake, I try my best to be the selfless and nice person, but what do I get in return? Blames, insults, and ditching, and in all of these, it seems like I'm the only one stuck in the pain while I see the pain-causers happy and living life. Is it even worth being good, cos I feel it just makes you the easy target to fool and use? I sincerely do not like these negative emotions I have; I want to move on too; I want to forget them too; bad as it is, I want to forgive them too, not for their sake but for my sake. I want HEALING ENERGY!!!. I need to heal so I can be happy too. I can't be stuck here; never, I will and must heal. It will not be easy; it will take time, but I'm ready. God, please hear my cry and heal my heart; heal all the aches that these people caused, and do not allow these pains define me or be the best of me; don't let all these experiences I have with these people make me lose trust generally in people. I'm hurt and pained, yes I know, but I don't want to remain like this, and I'm certainly ready to let go if you'll teach me how. As for the people who hurt me, whether knowingly or unknowingly, I pray for the grace to forgive you and erase you from my mind and heart, because of a truth, some of you are not worth hurting for. The good thing is, you have made me learn my lessons about the harsh realities of life and how evil and bad people can be, but you can only hurt me for a while; you can't destroy me nor my mentality. I'll still be the positive-minded and optimistic person that I am. I'll meet good people along the way. Whether you regret losing me or what you did to me, I don't care anymore; I just need your healing energy, Lord, for the pains I have are not physical that drugs can heal, but mental, psychological, and only you can help my mindset and my heart from not giving up. This letter is to me, and I hope that when I read this few days, months, or years later, I'll smile and say yes, truly I have healed, so cheers to me, cos HEALING ENERGY IS ON ME.
